Letting go
This has been a very interesting year for me so far. I can truly say that on Jan 1st 2010 I had no idea that my world would spin so far out of control only to set me down in a whole new galaxy 8 months later. I started out the year working through many promising deals, many new plant adventures and certainly a new sense of gardening as my landscape was going to be 3 years old and should really be kicking into high gear this spring.
Well, life turned my world upside down by February 1 with an odd twitch in my back that turned into massive muscle spasms, which then turned into full body convulsions for most of the day, every day. I can tell you that I am one tough chick, I have lived with terrible, chronic back pain for 10 years now and nothing, nothing had prepared me for the pain I was to endure for next 4 months. A subsequent MRI reading told the story of one broken, arthritic and beyond repair spine-which was already fusing on its own. My back was toast and there was not much that could be done for me but pain management now…Okay…I was 44 years old so this was terrible news as I have been an athlete and a gardener my whole life and now I a freak of nature as I couldn’t even go out anywhere because the spasms came with screams of pain and people just didn’t know what to do when they saw me.
In the meantime, we had the most amazing cold spell that I have witnessed while I have lived in Oregon and my garden was toast too. Or so I thought.
It took months of course to get the doctors and insurance companies to get a course of action. But once we were on it…we were on it! 
I had three back surgeries this spring (the last one was an implant in my back to interrupt nerve pain so I could function again -Yes, thank God, it’s working!!). In spring mind you…busy season and all for us nursery folk. In spring…like when you work in your garden and do things to make it pretty. In spring, when you want to finally be active because you have been cooped up inside all winter!!! AAHHH!!!
I did find ways to work…from my bed. Thank goodness for laptops! Occasionally I mustered up enough strength to work a day in the garden and clean the weeds out. However, this would completely kill me for days, so that only took place a couple of time to keep it looking tidy.
So my life was on hold…couldn’t do much but sit and look at my garden through my window. I had to let go of so many things. There were so many projects I had been planning on for months to do this year. Planting the holes where everything died was top of the list. A new rock garden on the side yard was definitely out of the question. The back pond area that we found under a pile of thatch was not going to get a makeover either. All of it would have to wait for a very long time, if ever to get done. Harrumph!
What transpired over the next few months was pretty amazing. I thought my yard was going to be this terrible wasteland of giant holes, surrounded by terrible looking plants that just wouldnt come out of winter in good shape. Not true! This year my garden has looked the best yet! Every place there was a hole was filled in by something very magical. It was as if the minute I let go of being the caretaker…it took care of me! My heart was filled everyday with new plants coming up. Most of which I never planted!!! 
Seedlings I suppose that fell and had finally broke through from the cold winter. I saw my garden in a whole new light! In years gone past I would have been out picking away at all the seedlings-keeping my lines straight, not letting any plant come up that wasn’t in the original scheme. Not this year…couldn’t’ t bend over to do that much work, so I let it be and watched them all fill in quite naturally!
I have never been as fulfilled a gardener as I have been this year. What a lesson to learn. As I sat inside and watched my garden grow while I recuperated, it was just amazing. I had the most incredible Shasta Daisy show this summer! 
I know, I know…simple, boring plant, but daisies are my favorite, so when my entire garden was filled with them, I loved it. I was in so much pain, but my garden was alive with new things and such a happy place. Even though I wasn’t supposed to be doing anything out there, I couldn’t help myself. I just made me feel good to be amongst the flowers. It made my soul happy to be bumbling around, deadheading and pruning, and pretty much just admiring God’s handy work. I had nothing to do with this garden this year. It was all the man upstairs. And what a show he put on! I just kept saying…how did that get over here? That’s so cool! I would have never put that there! Wow! Look at that one!
As I watch and waited, I learned a lot about myself. I too, had to just let things go and take time to heal. I’ll never be the person I was before these surgeries. That was pretty tough to take for a while. But then as my garden grew into something completely different, so did I. As my garden transpired into this wonderful free flowing little eco-system of warmth and beauty, I gained such new perspective of what God had handed me. 
I let go of a lot of my stress. I let go of a lot of the crud that had been building in my life before this all went down. I just simply said no more. I want to be free flowing like my garden—to have a certain sense of wild abandonment mixed with a certain sense of harmony. I wanted to be okay with whatever came my way, verses freaking out because everything wasn’t balanced and organized. I am a much more relaxed individual now. If I miss a deadline, I am not freaking out! If something comes at me out of order, I just let it go and see where it takes me. Things have a way of working out now and I am just fine if it all doesn’t go exactly according to plan. The new plan works just fine for me too J
So here I sit, three months after my last surgery. I took the summer off, so I did not do any trade shows… first time in 20 years! HAA ! That was killer! I am back to working out…although it is a whole new strategy now, with much different expectations than before. I have hung out with my kids all summer long. That has been really good for all of us and super fun. I cooked up a storm and really enjoyed Craig’s and my time together as I healed. I am working on all new marketing strategies to reach more of our consumers in new and unusual ways.
My brain is relaxed and my heart is open. My body may look like Frankenstein, but my soul has a whole new lease on life. I’ll never be the person I used to be, nor do I want to be. I like this girl now. She’s more fun, more relaxed and the glint is back in her eyes…I am back to my wild butterfly state, free flowing, looking for new adventures and going where the wind take me.
I had a very dear friend of mine visit over the summer. He told me that he had seen gardens all over the world and learned that it’s not the plants or the designs that makes a garden lovely, but the gardener. It’s not the person that makes a garden, he said, but more the garden is a reflection of the person…and as I stared out my kitchen window gazing at my garden, I thought that might have been the nicest compliment anyone had ever given me!
Sometimes it’s good to let go…amazing things can happen when we stop trying to control every detail of our lives and just let Mother Nature takes its course. J
Now go get dirty out there!
~Fran
Frances Hopkins is the founder and CEO of Under A Foot Plant Company and the STEPABLES plant line.